Escape from PHP

I am going to be honest with you. I… hate… this place, this zoo, this prison, this reality—whatever you want to call it, I can’t stand it any longer. It’s the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink, And every time I do, I fear that I’ve somehow been infected by it; it’s repulsive, isn’t it? I must get out of here. I must get free.

— Agent Smith, The Matix

To be quite honest, even though I am a master PHP programmer, I pretty much despise the language and to an extent the culture around PHP.

“Hyuck, why use an open source framework when we can write our own” – 3 different clients last year said that

“We can’t do unit-testing, it will cost too much to implement.” – Pretty much every client, which is my fault because I didn’t properly sell them on TDD or just unit-testing.

Or hell, this isn’t fair to PHP’s culture, but I’ve lost count of how often MySQL is used like a gigantic dump truck. “Normalization? Fuck that, MySQL can handle it… ‘Can’t ya ol’girl?'” At which point the master MySQL server either catches on fire or gridlocks itself into oblivion.